You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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