Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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