I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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