I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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