At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
