So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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