bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
