pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.