I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?