your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
