he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Still dying that you shit outside
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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