dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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