hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
