maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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