Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
