Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Randomize
