i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
