listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
