We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
