Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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