Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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