Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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