i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
