They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He better not be in your backpack
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
