im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
