By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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