i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
