I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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