Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
