Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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