don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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