And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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