omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
