Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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