i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
