i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
