You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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