Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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