Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
