apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
