How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
