I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
