the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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