There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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