I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
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Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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