after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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