proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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