Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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