Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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