someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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