And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
