It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
