that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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