I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
